I was surfing through TikTok videos (once again) and found a video clip of a man on stage sharing a story with the audience and when he said this title phrase it jumped out at me. The story he was relating was about a high-profile female executive that was having an identity crisis of sorts. She relayed to him how she had all of the things that the definition of success is typically thought to include, big title and powerful position in her job, a huge salary, very nice home in a nice neighborhood, and a new car. On paper, it sounds like she has made it and has it all. But then she shared the rest of the story…
She was over worked and stressed out. She had fought so hard to obtain the position she is currently in and lives in fear that someone will take it all away. Her husband is more like a roommate and her kids call her mom, but she barely knows them on a deep level. She has worked, hard, her whole adult life and now that she is standing on the peak of all she wanted and she is looking around, she realizes she is all alone. When you hear the phrase “It’s lonely at the top” I think this is the actual definition of it. It’s not that there is no one else on the same peak, but it is cluttered with the other overachievers that alienated everyone else to get to the top. It likely wasn’t a malicious effort, but rather the byproduct of a life spent working longer and harder than everyone else. At some point those around will learn to live without you and therefore you find yourself lonely later on. She was looking around and found herself all alone, despite having some many of the things we all want.
The search for balance is a quest I have been on my entire life. What I define this to mean is not all bliss all the time by any means but rather the right mix of struggles and triumphs, work and relaxation and the good sprinkle of doing the things I love most. It sounds to me like the woman in the story above was too focused on the achievement side of things, likely thinking that “once I have this, I’ll be happy”
Newsflash: LIFE DOES NOT WORK THIS WAY.
As with many of the thoughts I share, I am speaking from experience. The whole of my teen years was spent trying to move up the ranks of the local competitive racquetball scene and reach the top level. I thought sure that once I won my first Open (highest amateur level) event that I would celebrate and feel like the world was mine. Do you know what I did that Sunday afternoon an hour after winning my first ever Open tournament? After a few brief moments of brief jubilation, I was in the shower by myself. Thirty minutes after this, I was at Bed Bath and Beyond buying bathroom rugs and towels because that was what my girlfriend “needed to do” that afternoon. I did it, I won the tournament, and I could legitimately check a box that few others ever could. I didn’t feel any different, even though I fully expected to. I began to question things and sabotage my accomplishment. I did everything from downplay the event in my head, telling myself that a few good players were missing from the draw and that made the win less legitimate. I told myself that it was just racquetball, why would anyone care? I picked a new and more elevated goal and went right back into competition mode. Certainly, a State Championship would do the trick, right? THAT should make me feel like all of this work had paid off, made me special and most of all, happy. Wrong. Back to the drawing board…
I turned Pro at 24, far before I was ready to compete at that level. It took three years to figure it out, and a complete revamp of my game to eventually reach a world ranking of #18. Certainly, that would make me happy, right? Wrong again. A signature win that I could hang my hat on? Not enough. Traveling the country playing Pro Racquetball for a (marginal) living, chasing the dream I had since I was 15? Nope. Only later on did I figure it out.
I learned a valuable lesson (eventually) and have worked hard to keep the balance intact. If I had a do-over in life, it would be to have a different perspective of my time on the court while I was on the court. Now that I have been “off the court” for a long time, it is easy to look backwards and see the now obvious. Unlike school, where you learn a lesson to go have an experience, in life you have experiences to teach you lessons. When I became a coach, I was in the fortunate position to be able to share these kinds of lessons in regard to the sport itself and life overall. I hope they stuck, as I know my life would have had happier overtones before now if I had figured this out sooner. I do my best now to walk the walk and life a life as balanced as possible. As much as I hate to admit it, if I lived in CO and had access to flyfishing any day of the week I would probably get bored with it. I love it, more than anything else I do in life, but that does not mean that too much of it is not going to wear off the shine. Because I live in Phoenix, I cherish the time on the water any time I can get it. It remains special to me because of my lack of access to it. I would like to do more, and I am working on it, but the reality is that too little is better than too much. Balance is an elusive thing.
In retrospect I chose to be special over being happy in my early adult life. I thought that if I was “special” I would be happy, but I was wrong. What I needed to do a much better job of was to learn how to be happy, here and now, instead of if/when I achieved something later. While I am all for striving and working to be the best you can be, you HAVE TO find a way to be happy while doing it. There is far too much out of your hands to rely on than achieving an arbitrary goal to also achieve happiness. Injuries, acts of God, change of life circumstances and even more talented competition all are stacked against you at all times. If you can find happiness now, and enjoy the process while doing the process, you will have achieved a rare position in life. Many chose the easy way thinking they will be happy because of it. Others strive to separate themselves from everyone else, thinking this will do the trick. Both are way off base.
Only you can determine what the appropriate balance for your life is. Yes, you should strive to be successful, but not at the cost of family and friends. You should avoid the comfortable and easy path, as this will lead to bitterness and resentment later on. In some ways, I believe this to be your life’s work, your largest assignment and one that is under a constant scrutiny. Choose wisely, and review often.
I wish you luck in your endeavors.
by Darrin Schenck
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by Darrin Schenck
Share
I was surfing through TikTok videos (once again) and found a video clip of a man on stage sharing a story with the audience and when he said this title phrase it jumped out at me. The story he was relating was about a high-profile female executive that was having an identity crisis of sorts. She relayed to him how she had all of the things that the definition of success is typically thought to include, big title and powerful position in her job, a huge salary, very nice home in a nice neighborhood, and a new car. On paper, it sounds like she has made it and has it all. But then she shared the rest of the story…
She was over worked and stressed out. She had fought so hard to obtain the position she is currently in and lives in fear that someone will take it all away. Her husband is more like a roommate and her kids call her mom, but she barely knows them on a deep level. She has worked, hard, her whole adult life and now that she is standing on the peak of all she wanted and she is looking around, she realizes she is all alone. When you hear the phrase “It’s lonely at the top” I think this is the actual definition of it. It’s not that there is no one else on the same peak, but it is cluttered with the other overachievers that alienated everyone else to get to the top. It likely wasn’t a malicious effort, but rather the byproduct of a life spent working longer and harder than everyone else. At some point those around will learn to live without you and therefore you find yourself lonely later on. She was looking around and found herself all alone, despite having some many of the things we all want.
The search for balance is a quest I have been on my entire life. What I define this to mean is not all bliss all the time by any means but rather the right mix of struggles and triumphs, work and relaxation and the good sprinkle of doing the things I love most. It sounds to me like the woman in the story above was too focused on the achievement side of things, likely thinking that “once I have this, I’ll be happy”
Newsflash: LIFE DOES NOT WORK THIS WAY.
As with many of the thoughts I share, I am speaking from experience. The whole of my teen years was spent trying to move up the ranks of the local competitive racquetball scene and reach the top level. I thought sure that once I won my first Open (highest amateur level) event that I would celebrate and feel like the world was mine. Do you know what I did that Sunday afternoon an hour after winning my first ever Open tournament? After a few brief moments of brief jubilation, I was in the shower by myself. Thirty minutes after this, I was at Bed Bath and Beyond buying bathroom rugs and towels because that was what my girlfriend “needed to do” that afternoon. I did it, I won the tournament, and I could legitimately check a box that few others ever could. I didn’t feel any different, even though I fully expected to. I began to question things and sabotage my accomplishment. I did everything from downplay the event in my head, telling myself that a few good players were missing from the draw and that made the win less legitimate. I told myself that it was just racquetball, why would anyone care? I picked a new and more elevated goal and went right back into competition mode. Certainly, a State Championship would do the trick, right? THAT should make me feel like all of this work had paid off, made me special and most of all, happy. Wrong. Back to the drawing board…
I turned Pro at 24, far before I was ready to compete at that level. It took three years to figure it out, and a complete revamp of my game to eventually reach a world ranking of #18. Certainly, that would make me happy, right? Wrong again. A signature win that I could hang my hat on? Not enough. Traveling the country playing Pro Racquetball for a (marginal) living, chasing the dream I had since I was 15? Nope. Only later on did I figure it out.
I learned a valuable lesson (eventually) and have worked hard to keep the balance intact. If I had a do-over in life, it would be to have a different perspective of my time on the court while I was on the court. Now that I have been “off the court” for a long time, it is easy to look backwards and see the now obvious. Unlike school, where you learn a lesson to go have an experience, in life you have experiences to teach you lessons. When I became a coach, I was in the fortunate position to be able to share these kinds of lessons in regard to the sport itself and life overall. I hope they stuck, as I know my life would have had happier overtones before now if I had figured this out sooner. I do my best now to walk the walk and life a life as balanced as possible. As much as I hate to admit it, if I lived in CO and had access to flyfishing any day of the week I would probably get bored with it. I love it, more than anything else I do in life, but that does not mean that too much of it is not going to wear off the shine. Because I live in Phoenix, I cherish the time on the water any time I can get it. It remains special to me because of my lack of access to it. I would like to do more, and I am working on it, but the reality is that too little is better than too much. Balance is an elusive thing.
In retrospect I chose to be special over being happy in my early adult life. I thought that if I was “special” I would be happy, but I was wrong. What I needed to do a much better job of was to learn how to be happy, here and now, instead of if/when I achieved something later. While I am all for striving and working to be the best you can be, you HAVE TO find a way to be happy while doing it. There is far too much out of your hands to rely on than achieving an arbitrary goal to also achieve happiness. Injuries, acts of God, change of life circumstances and even more talented competition all are stacked against you at all times. If you can find happiness now, and enjoy the process while doing the process, you will have achieved a rare position in life. Many chose the easy way thinking they will be happy because of it. Others strive to separate themselves from everyone else, thinking this will do the trick. Both are way off base.
Only you can determine what the appropriate balance for your life is. Yes, you should strive to be successful, but not at the cost of family and friends. You should avoid the comfortable and easy path, as this will lead to bitterness and resentment later on. In some ways, I believe this to be your life’s work, your largest assignment and one that is under a constant scrutiny. Choose wisely, and review often.
I wish you luck in your endeavors.
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