I dated a girl briefly that had a tattoo around her collarbone that read:

“Some Day This Pain Will Prove Useful”

Oddly enough, this is what initially caught my attention about her.  She was pretty in a non-convention way, somewhat of a goth look to her without going too overboard with it.  I think most people at our office thought she was anti-social and strange, but I was intrigued.  I am, how should I put this…open to a wide range of looks.  I have dated women much older and much younger than myself, and a bunch of different looks and ethnicities.  I don’t discriminate when it comes to dating, I want to experience it all.  This particular person was interesting to me in not just the classic she-is-a-girl-and-I-am-a-guy sense, but she had a very different attitude and view of the world, and as I discovered later, way more tattoos than were visible when she was dressed for work.  I am ink free and will stay that way, so this alone prompted questions.  I guess I am curious by nature, especially when it comes to something like tattoos which I do not have personal experience with.

As I got to know this person a little more, I learned a lot.  As I used to jokingly say “I like it when they wear their trauma on the outside” in regard to tattoos, I learned from her that this is not always the case.  After further research with others, I would conclude this is at least fifty percent true, however.  For her, she was deathly afraid of needles as a kid so getting her first tattoo was a major life-changing event as she faced a great fear of hers head on.  I respected the Hell out of that.  It would be the equivalent of me jumping out of a perfectly good airplane with a parachute strapped to my back.  I’d rather push the now dead pilot out of the way and try to land the plane myself versus skydive.  She shared with me that it was horrifying for her, and when she scheduled an appointment to get the tattoo, she had to go to several places to meet someone who would work with her to overcome this fear.  They agreed to do it after hours, so that her reactions would not freak out the others in the tattoo parlor.  Good move, as she screamed aloud many times throughout the process.  It was a tiny little one, just above the ankle in a spot that is not terribly sensitive.  But the thought of the needle striking her skin thousands and thousands of times was absolutely terrifying for her.  She almost canceled the appointment many times in the week leading up to this.

To her credit, she stuck to her side of the deal and showed up that fateful night to get this done.  She told me she was terrified and was in tears prior to the first needle prick on her skin.  It was an agonizing 90-minute session, but she prevailed.  In her words, it was a “transformative process”.  She started out white knuckling the table and breathing like she was giving birth.  By the end, she had managed to calm her mind and embrace the process by the end.  She got many tattoos after that, and I saw every one of them in close detail.  ;-)  It was impressive once I knew the back story, as are more things than you realize.   The last one she got was the line highlighted above, and it was the perfect cap to the process as it encapsulated the real meaning behind them all.

I, like many, have my own versions of this.  Most people who strive for anything find themselves in a similar scenario in the process of moving forward.  You will reach a point where you think you are stuck, topped out, have no farther to go.  Or you will reach a spot that takes a leap of faith, where you cannot see the next step of the path.  What was your moment of doubt that you managed to push through?  I can remember sitting on racquetball court 8 at La Camarilla Racquet & Health Club, head in my hands, crying, thinking it was over.  The dream I had as a 15 year old of turning Pro was about to die before I ever got remotely close to that level.  My poor swing mechanics had gotten the pain in my arm to an unbearable level.  It hurt every day and getting worse every time I played or practiced.  I had a decision to make:  quit and move on or find a way around this very high hurdle.  If you have read any of my other blogs you are probably aware how this worked out.

Here is the thing, anything that is worthwhile having or being a part of will hurt at some point.  Every sport you play, job you try to obtain, and of course relationship you are in, there will be pain.  Almost everything you want to have will set up some level of pain as a barrier.  It is a test.  HOW BADLY DO YOU WANT THIS?  That is the question the Universe is asking you, are you willing to pay a price in blood sweat or tears to get it.  Are you willing to stick it out when things get tough, and if not, did you really want it in the first place?  Life will always have painful parts to it, death of loved ones, lost jobs, failed marriages and more.  Adulting is not for the meek.  But if you understand going into anything new that things are going to be rough at some point, you are far better off.  Like lying back in the tattoo artist’s chair for the first time to face what is necessary, you need to find a way to get through that and keep inching your way forward.  Asking someone out is hard enough, getting married is difficult, but learning your partner did something that you have a hard time living with in general is the real test.  The contract read “’til death do us part…” did you mean that?  Or are you going to leave and set up shop elsewhere?  It is easy to turn and run when things get tough, are you adult enough to take the pain?  That’s the real measure…how much can you take before you give up?

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when you should leave, quit, break up.  Nothing is perfect but also there is no rule that you are sentenced to a life of misery and suffering.  Like the situation itself, this is a test too.  Can you step 90 degrees to the right and look at things impartially to evaluate what is happening?  Can you make a non-emotional decision to determine what should happen next?  Maybe you are better off going in another direction instead of continuing down this same path.  Only you can determine this, and there is no way to truly measure things in the future when you are looking back.  If you decided to not propose to your girlfriend of three years when you were 26 and a few years later, you run into her, and she is married with kids.  You can’t plug yourself into the equation and think your life would be exactly what hers is with you in place of her husband.  You are a variable in that scenario, so there are no guarantees that the two of you would be married with kids at this same moment in time.  Life doesn’t work that way.  Maybe NOT getting that promotion was the best thing that could have happened to you, maybe her breaking up with you WAS really the best outcome.  No one knows…

So, as my ramblings on this come to a close, the reality is that no one knows what the future holds, there are no do-overs or takebacks.  Life is what it is, and it will work out one way or another.   The question you have to ask yourself is always the same:  Will this Pain Prove Useful?  Will what you are undertaking be worth the pain you are about to experience?  Do you have enough grit to bear the pain and where the “tattoo” of it later?  Was the pain of hitting a million forehands and a million backhands over the course of my career worth where I ended up?  Hells yes.  I wish some things would have been different, but all-in-all, I wouldn’t change a thing.  The pain was worth it, and it did prove highly useful.  I am who I am today because of it.  I think the best I can offer is my hope that someday you can also say the same.

Grab a helmet, life is tough.  I wish you luck in your endeavors.